


Recorded Delivery

by telperion_15



Category: Primeval
Genre: Crack, Espionage, Humor, M/M, Porn Video, Sanctuary, Shared Universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-08
Updated: 2012-02-08
Packaged: 2017-10-30 19:56:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/335482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/telperion_15/pseuds/telperion_15
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan and Stephen get an unexpected delivery.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Recorded Delivery

**Author's Note:**

> A note about OCs:  
> Primeval fandom on LiveJournal has generated a number of fanon OCs, created by different authors and freely used by others, to the extent that some of them have now taken on lives of their own. The one that appears in this fic, Lyle, belongs to fredbassett.
> 
> A note about Sanctuary:  
> Sanctuary is the brainchild of mysteriousaliwz, and was created as a refuge for all those characters that The Powers That Be saw fit, in their wisdom, to kill off. The original residents were Ryan and Stephen, but that has now expanded to include several others, as well as a host of occasional visitors.
> 
> The authorship of Sanctuary has expanded too, and now many authors play in this sandpit, and bear a more than a passing resemblance to Sanctuary’s all-seeing Management…
> 
> For more info about Sanctuary, see [here](%E2%80%9Chttp://primeval-denial.livejournal.com/2807651.html%E2%80%9D), and for a list of the stories written about Sanctuary, see [ here](%E2%80%9Chttp://primeval-denial.livejournal.com/2807141.html%E2%80%9D).

The doorbell rang, and Ryan and Stephen looked at each other in surprise.

“Do we even _have_ a doorbell?” Ryan enquired.

“Apparently so,” said Stephen, as it rang again.

“Okay.” Unconcerned, Ryan turned his attention back to the television. Stephen sighed in annoyance and got up to answer the door.

“Yes?”

“Delivery for you.” The visitor held out a small package.

“What?”

“Delivery for you,” repeated the guy, sounding as if he thought Stephen was slightly dense.

“But we don’t get deliveries,” said Stephen.

“The address says Sanctuary. This is Sanctuary, isn’t it?”

“Well, yes.”

“So this must be for you, then. Sign here, please.”

Stephen signed and took the package, still mystified. Ryan looked up questioningly as he returned to the living room.

“Who was it?”

“The postman,” Stephen replied. “He gave me this.” He waved the package.

“But we don’t get packages.”

“That’s what I told _him_.”

“What is it?”

“How should I know?”

“Well, why don’t you open it and find out?” Now Ryan sounded like he had doubts about Stephen’s intelligence.

“Fine.” Stephen tore the paper off the package. It was a video cassette. All that was written on the label was ‘L/L’.

“What do you think that means?”

“Why don’t we watch it and find out?” Ryan took the cassette from Stephen and put it in the video player.

“Hey, what about the match?”

“We can watch the replay later. It’s not like there’s anyone around to tell us the score.” Ryan pressed play.

For a few seconds there was nothing but static, then the picture resolved itself into a view of a bedroom – a _nice_ bedroom. Stephen sent Ryan a confused look, but the soldier appeared to be as clueless as he was.

Then someone spoke. It was a female voice. “Testing, testing. Are you receiving this?”

Someone they couldn’t hear obviously responded, because after a pause the voice continued. “Good. And is the angle correct?”

Another pause. And then it became evident that something was happening, because the voice muttered, “Oh shit. Okay, I’m leaving now.” There were some hurried footsteps, and then the sound of a distant door slamming.

Then for the next five minutes nothing further happened. All that Stephen and Ryan learnt in that time was that the owner of the bedroom liked burgundy bedding, and had a taste for abstract art prints.

“What _is_ this?” Stephen muttered.

But before Ryan could say anything in response, another voice spoke.

“Well, darling, you might have been reluctant to show me your bedroom, but it was certainly worth the wait.”

“Hang on, I know that voice,” said Ryan, his eyes widening.

“Just don’t get too comfortable,” retorted a second voice.

“And I know that one,” said Stephen, with mounting dismay.

They both watched, transfixed, as Lieutenant Jon Lyle sauntered into the shot, kicking off his boots and then settling himself on the bed, a definite come-hither look in his eyes.

“Please god, no,” Stephen whispered.

But God was obviously busy at that moment, and Stephen’s prayer went unanswered as Sir James Lester appeared, removing his tie and looking faintly disapproving.

“You’d better not be getting dirt on my very expensive bedding,” he said reprovingly.

“Not much chance of that with you standing over there,” responded Lyle salaciously. “So why don’t you shut up and come here?” He snaked out a hand and pulled Lester to the bed before the civil servant could move out of range.

“Jon…”

“Shut up,” repeated Lyle, kissing him.

“Oh my god, we need to turn this off right now,” said Ryan, looking faintly nauseous.

“Well, you’ve got the remote,” said Stephen.

“No I haven’t, you have!” Ryan sounded slightly panicked now, as activities on the screen escalated.

“Just press the button on the player!” Stephen sounded scarcely less alarmed himself.

“Shit, it’s not working!”

“Then pull the plug! Christ, I don’t need to be seeing this!”

“You and me both,” said Ryan, grovelling frantically behind the TV.

“Quick!  _Quick_!” The screen abruptly went blank, and Stephen heaved a sigh of relief. “Thank god for that,” he said fervently.

“I think I’m going to be scarred for life,” Ryan muttered, squeezing his eyes shut as if trying to block out the images.

“ _Why_ would someone send us that?” Stephen wondered disgustedly.

*   *   *   *   *

The Duty Manager stretched as she came out of the break room. What with the chicken pox going around, they were a bit short staffed, and everyone was knackered after pulling double shifts all week.

But when she checked on her charges she got a bit of a surprise. When she’d left they’d been sprawled together on the sofa, good-naturedly grumbling at England’s latest atrocious footballing performance. But now they were sitting as far apart as it was possible to be, and both of them looked faintly ill.

The Duty Manager started to get worried. What was going on? Surely nothing could have happened in the half hour she’d been off having a nap? Could it?

“Er, boys?” she enquired tentatively. “Is everything alright?”

In answer Ryan slowly got up and grabbed something from the cabinet next to the television. “What,” he asked dangerously, “is this?”

“A video cassette?” replied the Duty Manager, still not quite sure what the problem was.

“I know it’s a video cassette,” snapped Ryan. “But why does it show my former lieutenant and our former boss shagging like rabbits?”

“Oh shit.” The words slipped out before the Duty Manager could stop them, and she fought the urge to cower away from Ryan and Stephen’s furious looks. “You weren’t supposed to see that,” she apologised. “It’s obviously been delivered to the wrong place. I’m going to kill that delivery company,” she muttered.

“But why do _you_ want it?” Stephen asked. He sounded curious rather than revolted now, and the Duty Manager felt it was safe to come out from behind her chair.

“Well, we got a little impatient,” she confessed. “Lester’s only ever been here that once, and we think he must have told Lyle about it, because Jon’s been doing a remarkably good job of avoiding Sanctuary altogether. We got bored of waiting for them to show up here and decided to, um, take matters into our own hands.”

“But how did you get into Lester’s house?” Stephen said, sounding impressed now.

“Oh, ways and means,” said the Duty Manager shiftily.

“Never mind that!” Ryan interrupted. “Lyle and bloody Lester – the mind boggles! I mean, _Lester_ , for god’s sake!”

“It didn’t seem to bother you when he showed up here,” the Duty Manager pointed out reasonably.

“That’s different,” blustered Ryan. “That was _here_. We didn’t want him to feel left out.”

“So if Leek showed up…” the Duty Manager hinted wickedly.

“God, no!” Stephen and Ryan chorused together. “We have to draw the line somewhere,” Stephen added.

“Oh, he’ll be so disappointed,” said the Duty Manager, thinking privately that it was good idea they’d found Leek some…alternative accommodations after his unfortunate demise.

But Ryan was starting to look ill again, so she took pity and hastily changed the subject. “Just leave the cassette out in the foyer and I’ll get someone to remove it,” she said. “And we’ll put a sign up by the door instructing all deliveries to be sent upstairs in future. I really am sorry about this.”

“Just make sure it doesn’t happen again,” muttered Ryan.

“I promise it won’t,” replied the Duty Manager. “Although it would help if you could give me some tips about how to, er…‘encourage’ Lyle to pay us a visit…”


End file.
